Drace's Journal

Drace's Journal

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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Drace's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

11:24 pm

All I really want is
Forget Christmas, this is what I want period. I want people to stop treating me like shit whenever they feel like it. I want people to stop acting like I don't know what I'm talking about. I want people to not look at me and think he is just another lazy fat guy. I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP HATING ME!. I swear I cannot go for more then a month without someone taking issue with something I did or even did not do. No I'm not kidding. There have been times when someone expected me to do something and if I don't do it for any reason they hate me for it. I know hate is a strong word but I'm not using it just because I can. Lets back up a bit and take each of the things in turn with examples. Sometimes people have bad days, it just happens with no real warning, they just wake up having a bad day. Sure they try not to let it slip out but it will happen. All to many times the people I work with have a bad day and I always am the one they take it out on. I ask them how they are doing and I get "fuck off" or other such responses. I feel hurt because I don't know what I did wrong and they are still to pissed off to care that they just bitched at me. I never get an apology for it, but why would I. I'm the fat kid everyone likes to pick on. Let's look at another instance. Couple weeks ago I went into the break room cause it was break and on the one table when you walk in was a box with 2 donuts in it. Sometimes we get extras from the company that makes them and the staff gets them. I took one cause they are the kind I like. The guy behind me( I will call him D) took the other one and left the empty box on the table. Other people came in the lunch room after we did and since the box was there they also checked it. Now here's the kicker. Each time they checked it and found it empty D would say yeah Vito took the last one I was lucky to get one at all cause you know how he is. He told everyone that walked in the same thing. It gets worse because everyone believed him instead of asking me about it and just laughed at me for it. So thanks a lot fuckers! Now everyone thinks I'm a greedy pig who doesn't like to share. After the break was over I went to talk to my supervisor an his boss about it because I was almost in tears over it. Never have I felt so bad in my whole time there. We have rules about the conduct in the job place and we all know we are not suppose to harass each other like that. We have even signed a sheet saying we will not do that. We signed that damn thing like 3 days previous to that. It goes from there. That's right it doesn't end there yet. Each person who made fun of me, D specifically, was brought into the office and given a verbal warning about it. Most people got what they did wrong right away. D on the other hand was angry about being called out for acting like a jerk for no reason. He hasn't spoken to me directly since that happened. His pride and ego took a beating because of that and he is such an arrogant prick he will not live it down. Fast forward to about 2 weeks or so ago. D got called into the office for doing something unsafe. We are very strict about safety cause it looks better to head office if we don't have injuries to report. I myself don't know what happened cause I was not around when it happened. But yet because D is the arrogant prick he is he stills takes it out on me just in a different way. He sits across from me at the one table in the lunch room. We don't speak to each other but really I don't care cause I'm not much of a talker anyway. Yet after being called into the office for the safety thing he has started eating like a pig. He chews with his mouth open, he talks with his mouth full, and when he has something that has bones he crunches up the bones and spits the bits out on the table onto a napkin. I was brought up with very good table manners which I still try to use at all times because it's polite. So his actions make me sick but what am I suppose to do. He doesn't listen to anyone unless its a supervisor and this is not something they can do anything about. Yet every time he starts eating he keeps shooting me looks to see if I'm paying attention to what he is doing. I think he is trying to get me to move away from him by acting like this but fuck him cause I was there first. If he were to be fired tomorrow I would hold the door open for him and hope it hits him on the way out as well.
Lets look at the second thing I mentioned at the top. In the department I work in we use boxes to pack the stuff we are picking since otherwise all the boxes would go to waste. Lately since some of the orders are smaller we are not getting enough boxes to pack the orders properly. We don't want to use a box that can fit 50 boxes for just 2 or 3 pieces. It's super wasteful that way and there will be other orders that may need that box later. So myself an the other person I work with( call that person K) have been trying to not use more boxes then required. But sometimes we don't have a choice. Now at the start of the dept. most of the stuff is sort of medium size things but when you get a couple different kinds of each for 1 order it is tricky to pack with certain boxes. The stuff on my end is larger items and therefore come in larger boxes. When we have lots of boxes to use I move most of my larger ones to the start cause I will not need them and K will. Since however we are in a pinch for boxes I have to keep a lot of what I have. K however has a bad habit of taking all the boxes to the start and leaving me with what she thinks is enough instead of asking first. It got so bad that my work started to slow down cause I can spend 5 minutes looking for a box instead of keeping the work going. So I had to take some of the boxes from the start to my end. She got pissed off at me doing that since she believes that she knows best about all things and went to the supervisor to complain about it. He told her that if I need boxes and the start is the only place to get some she has to share with me. K has real bad control issues and to be told sorry you don't control the dept. and you have to share she took it personal. I even told her I don't need many but any is to many with her. This happened last week and she has not said a word to me since then. Again I am not much of a talker and while I would normally shrug it off I must admit seeing a spoiled brat get told no is rather nice. So that's where the first part comes from. I'll get to the second part last cause it has to do with family members more then people I work with.

Yes I am a bit fat. I take after both sides of the family in that regard. I try to eat right but money is sometimes tight so I cannot always get the healthy stuff. Exercise is tricky in the colder months because I cannot ride my bike to work and back each day like I do in the summer. But despite all that, I don't feel bad about it. I know there are people who are much larger then me and in worse shape then me and I feel bad for them because they are health risks. But I do not hate them or look down on them for it. People look at me, see I am a bit fat and treat me like I'm lazy or make comments about how I look. Even if I tell them I try to be healthy they think I am lying to them. So to all those people out there who think it is o.k to comment on how I look or any of my living habits, TAKE YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND TRY SOME DECENCY FOR ONCE! Is it really so much to ask that all people try to be nice to each other at all times? I guess so seeing as how I get it on a regular basis. But since there is nothing I can do except bring it to people's attention now and again that they are making me weep for the future of our race by acting like this all the time.

Now let's get to the second thing I mentioned at the top. This is will be painful for me and those that will read this post I'm sure but really I don't think I could say this in person because I don't want to hurt someone if I can avoid it. But it's gonna hurt so here goes.

Sunday myself,dad, and sister went into Toronto to pick up a friend of Angelina's who is coming to stay with them for a week. As we were driving in I asked where at the airport we were to meet her. They both said terminal 1. That seems to be the standard these days no matter where you come from. I can't recall the last time I was at a different terminal anymore. But anyway now that I knew which terminal I asked which part of terminal 1 would we be going to. The response I got was there is only 1 part of terminal 1. Now I have been there enough times to know that there is a gate for people coming in from other parts of Canada, international and America, and 1 other part I can't remember what its for since it all seems the same to me. So I asked again which part of terminal 1 were they talking about. I got the same response. So now I'm a bit miffed because I am not getting an answer I understand and neither of them seem to know what I'm talking about. I started to say there is more then 1 part to terminal 1 but one or both of them I don't remember which cut me off and said the same thing again. So now I know that they aren't trying to listen to me. I was willing to let it go at that since I did not understand what they were saying. But Angelina says "you sound like you don't believe us". This is a direct quote here. Now here this, now here this. I did not say I don't believe you. I did not say you don't know what your talking about. I did not at anytime intimate that either of you were not talking about something of which you have no knowledge of any kind. I know you have both been to the airport plenty of times. But to say something like that...............

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! How could you ever think that I thought you were not telling me the truth. Sarcasm/joking/any thing like that aside, why would you say that. I have never been so hurt before ever. I don't think I could ever be that hurt again. I know I am not as smart as you. I won't ever be the world seer like you. I don't know half the things you do about the world or the internet or anything like that. I have always had complete faith in you for everything regardless of whats happening. But hearing those words, ever or at all. Well shit I guess even I can be wrong about how close I thought we are. I don't like to talk about personal things to anyone because it always ends badly for me. I have almost no friends to speak of because the few I have had in the past end up kicking me later on. I trusted your judgment completely for everything because I knew deep down that you did know best and that whatever you said to or told me would be the right thing. To ask me if I'm questioning your words is the worst.

So it is the 15th of December 2009 and I have never been so depressed and miserable in my life. I broke up with my girlfriend, people at work hate me for existing, and my big sister, the one person I was always closet to despite all the moves and things over the years, actually wondered if I thought she was telling me something that was not true. I sure hope next year is better cause damn if this one is ending on the most horrible note ever. Night all, hope you can sleep easy cause my pillows are going to tear soaked from now till I don't know when.

Oh and one other thing. Don't call me to talk to me about this. I will have no words to say. Not because this doesn't need to be talked about, but because I am hurting to much to know what to say at all. That's all there is to it. Oh yeah you might as well go ahead and decorate the tree without me cause I am not in the festive mood I wished I was at this time of year.

Current Mood: The tears are flowing tonight

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